The Sad Truth About the Most Viewed Ezine Articles

Having written a number of humorous and political ezine articles to kind of get my feet wet in this new frontier, I decided to see what other subjects are most often viewed. I'm inquisitive that way; besides, it might give me a hint as to what to write about if I want to inflate "my articles report" numbers in a shallow hope to pump up my deflated ego. So I did a search in Ezine for "most viewed". Aha! A list called "The Top 30 Most Viewed Articles" came flying back before I could say, "The Iraq War"—my obvious choice for top subject followed closely by "abortion", "same sex marriage", and "Angelina and Brad".

All I can say is boy was I ever wrong.

If you want your articles to be read by the tens of thousands, in fact hundreds of thousands, you better know something about hair. Now if you are like me, you probably know little more about hair other than it grows if watered; not exactly enough to be an expert. But if you want to learn about hair so you can write about it with authority, skip the stuff on the top of your head, you want to jam all you can muster into that noggin of yours about the hair south of the border. That's right! You want to educate yourself on female pubic hair, especially about those wily ingrown wascals.
Tip! Other Sponsor Ads - There might be other ads like Middle Sponsor or Bottom Sponsor Ads in the Ezine placed at conspicuous spots within the ezine.

Here's why!

Fifteen out of top thirty articles are about hair: prom hair, men's hair, Japanese hair, hair extensions, hot styles, long styles, blah-blah-blah. And out of the blah-blah-blah, six are specifically about female private hair maintenance and all its dastardly consequences. In other words, 20% of the thirty top viewed Ezine articles are about the science of removing female foliage. To make matters more interesting, all six articles are written by one author, I'm assuming a guy (first name Mike), who apparently woke up on August 4th, 2004 and had an epiphany about women's pubic hair, submitting his half dozen articles on its removal and every possible resulting issue: waxing, shaving, razor burn, prevention tips, popping tips, you name it.
Tip! Bribe. If your ezine blooper is threatening to send readers and advertisers packing, offer enticing perks to make up for the mistake.

I want to say right now, God I had no idea!

Now, there are fifteen other articles that show no particular pattern of subject matter but nevertheless give me some hope. Skipping the obvious self-serving commercials for products to buy, the rest are pretty mainstream; you know, more like what one would expect: how to build a chopper, flipping houses, history of tattoos, history of body piercing, nude photography, how to make semen taste better, the usual stuff. I'm thinking one of those subjects is kind of exciting and might have potential for related research. My personal favorite though, which currently holds 20th place, reveals little known secrets to being invited as a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, something I long for.

But I can't get this pubic thing out of my head; this apparent self-inflicted scourge sweeping our female population. And I thought the Bird Flu was nasty! Can't you just trim down there with some scissors for CHRISSAKE and call it a day? Why oh why are you torturing yourselves so? Is it all that thong pressure from us lame-ass guys that's pushing women to such masochistic measures? If it is, I for one say enough is enough! Holy mackerels, I apologize already!
Tip! Top Sponsor Ads - These ads are generally placed on the top of the Ezine and has a very good response from the subscribers. It is also priced higher than the other ads.

Oh well, I'm left sitting here, my heart palpitating, pondering if maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree with this notion to be a popular writer—if it means writing about ingrown pubic hair problems that is. And barring any sudden shift back to those god awful bathing suits from the Twenties or unseemly panty lines, it is unlikely this epidemic will end anytime soon, leaving this writing stuff to males and hair salon types who continue to have a prurient vested interest in all this.

Hmm … maybe I'm better off inventing better tweezers because apparently a great tweezer in the hand is worth more than two lousy ones in the bush, so to speak.
Tip! Highlight the title of the ezine article and use the same procedure described above, but choose 'Heading 2' (instead of Heading 1).

This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. If you found it thought provoking or just plain idiotic, visit his popular website at http://www.cranelegs.com for a lot more!